Spitting Image

Technically the word means a perfect double or counterpart but visually this word reminds me of India, the roads, the transport, the public places. It reminds me of all spit stained walls and corners and all the things that we litter our immediate environment with. It reminds me of the male of the human species using the whole wide world as a giant urinal! The stench that all but suffocates you as you somehow navigate your way through such dinghy corners, pretty much in the middle of the busiest of streets. It reminds me of dhaula kuan- the shady and busy dhaula kuan.

It reminds of the place which is hotbed of eve teasing and worse, In spite of it being such a busy place in the world; in the capital city of the second most populous country in the world. It is a glaring reminder of the apathy that we the living have towards more of our very own kind. A woman (may be even men) can not feel any safety in numbers cos there is no guarantee about anyone else seeing you as one of them, worthy of notice, of consideration, of help….

Its almost as if you do not exist.

Especially if you happen to be in trouble or seem like someone who might need help. And here I am not talking about someone coming brandishing a sword riding a black horse in a shining armour. It is only about being aware of your surroundings, being vocal, being there.

It is simply as simple as that. It does not take a lot. At all.

Why is it that all we do care about it the next bus to hop on and the next seat that we can get and the next place to go to. Why do we not enjoy or experience and just exist in the present. That’s a common psyche… why why why??

This level of apathy I think also stems from this rat race, this feeling of always being behind and catching up to the future. The future will always be in future the moment you catch up with it it becomes your present. So what you are not doing is essentially your present so why run away from it?

Why not soak in it, experience it? Why not be here in the present? Instead of running ahead at such a pace that you miss the view. No matter how dismal, dirty or filthy it is.

Cos only when we stop to notice, will it ever matter to us to keep it clean or to be enraged or outraged about things and injustices around us?! Weather being done to fellow humans or environment or sentiments….

May be just may be it will make the present worth being in, almost as attractive as the future that is always eluding- by the very virtue of its being what it is.

INternet

I love the internet. This is the place where I meet all the people I will not otherwise. This is my window where I chat with my girls, gossip.... share... crib... catch up... bitch.. anything and everything that I did in person when I was younger and then on phone and now through the internet as the distances have grown.

This is what I go to when I have to look up anything and my dad is no longer in a position to answer all my question due to differences of time and space!! This is where I look up when I have to look up recipes, baking times, translations, rituals just about anything. It in one word is my back up and is my back up for all the people that I can no longer surround myself with in reality.

With it I create my virtual world where I talk to and read from and write to all the people with as much detail that I want.

It is also a window from where I surreptitiously observe all those I kind of know and check out just like I would have had we lived in a same neighborhood.

I wonder if it is something that helps me open up more or something that keeps me from opening up to newer things in life. Since I have my comfort zone and the press of a button, I no longer see people and much less talk to the ones who are right next to me in the room. I am so busy typing away my grievances to a friend in london that I dont notice that there might be a potential friend right behind me if I just turn my chair and tap on another desk.

In the same room we are in conversation with people all over the world but with each other. So does it bring people together or keeps them insulated in a world that they are more comfortable with?

New Year New Thoughts

Why is loss more meaningful or poetic than otherwise? Its a new year and it should come with new hopeful possibilities. Why? New year is just another number on the calendar, just another day. Why is there so much of hoopla around it? Why inspite of your better judgement you get carried away in its promise of renewed possibilities and potential that never really does come through?

Its just another day when you lost or gained. Just another hour. Just like any other regular day.

I wish there was less glamour and enthusiasm attached to it.

Its safe to be pessimistic. Is safety over rated? Is pessimism underrated? Does it not over lap with reality? Isnt reality more depressing than pessimism because of its huge overlap with the latter?

Why Do we need to move on? why can;t we just call it a day and put up our boots. Whats the point of moving on when you dont know where you are going? and more importantly why you want to go there...

Movement is just another distraction from what you need to figure out. Just another way from keeping yourself from thinking. Being busy is the perfect form of escaping from everything around you.

Change

“Hey Mr. do you have some change? You see my car just broke down and I would like to call for a towing service only my mobile is out of battery and …. You know it’s kind of late.”

“I know what it must seem like to you and believe me this is a huge change for me coming to this new place and looking for a place all by myself. I am not one of the junkies who are forever walking the streets with one sob story or another. I really am in a fix and even though you may think that I am just one of them I am not; at least no longer…”

All of that was whizzing past her head as she grappled with my current situation. Just when she had thought that she had enough of this begging or asking for “help” on the streets. It was like she was being sucked into it for no fault of hers. The thing was that if she didn’t get off that road in the next 5 minutes, all that she had worked for these past few months was going to go down the drain. All the meticulous planning…. All those sleepless nights…. All the sweat and hours and savings that she finally had the courage to put at stake was literally going to wash out in front of her very eyes and the last thing she wanted to do was to stand there wool gathering indulging in a fit of self pity at the most inconvenient of times if there was any.

Gathering her remaining wits, she decided to stick to the truth and ask for help, this was not about the next dinner. This was after all about the rest of her life. If she did not make a dash for it now, she would never be able to break free of her life here and seek other pastures green or not but at the very least different.

She peeked into the car with a lone fatherly-looking-fellow and asked for a ride to the next town. She cooked up some cock and bull story about being left behind on some field trip and not having enough money to take the tube.

The man seemed receptive enough, didn’t seem to mind and seemed to understand her plight and was willing to help. In fact he went on to say how he had been tired to driving alone and wouldn’t mind some company on the way.

After the initial chit chat and pleasantries, they fell into a comfortable silence. The guy bought some bags of chips on the next gas station and was nice enough to get some cola for her too.

She had had a very long day and now that she was finally going to be free of a life of drudgery and she was finally going to earn her living… this new found sense of freedom was exhilarating but in spite of all the excitement of the past hour, she felt her eyes closing…

“May be if I sit up straight and put on my shades, the guy wouldn’t even notice that I have taken a nap. After all it’s not nice to be sleeping next to the driver; was her last conscious thought, before she lost the fight to keep herself up.

When she got up the first conscious thought in her head was that she felt sore, like she had done a lot of work and the muscles were aching, the thigh and arms and she also felt a dull thud of an ache in her abdomen… thinking she must be due any day now, she got out of bed. Only then did she realize that this room was not her bed room and she barely had any clothes on. She looked frantically around her feeling confused and trying to piece together what had happened, she recollected the car ride and the coke and noticed a few bills on the dresser.

“Things after all had changed a lot in the course of the night” she thought; and then she heard the unmistakable click of the door lock…

Passage

The cells have already undergone their 21^st passage, which means that they have been sub-cultured 21 times, and they are no longer what they were in their first passage or for that matter in their 5^th passage, they have evolved into something different, the environment around them has influenced them to be what they are now. For one thing it makes them unfit for my set of experiments as for comparing them I need to have them at the same passage.

I wonder why it took science to understand and prove and accept this so very obvious a thing. You see looking at this whole thing not biochemically but philosophically, man what he is today is not really what he was yesterday and ideally should not be what he will be tomorrow. All of us are supposed to evolve and if not that then ….. change. There is of course such a thing as retrogressive evolution; so I guess evolve is pretty much the word- for good or for bad. So essentially life as long as it is living will evolve weather for better or worse. So the corollary of this man and environment thing can be that if you evolve to be better than yourself, can you also influence the environment around you? This is of course assuming that man and his environment is one open system and there is a continuous exchange of energy between them. Hmmm interesting is this what is supposed to be making a contribution to society? Is this what the whole endeavor of living is supposed to be about? IS this how contribution is supposed to be, as a by product of change that is with in you? Or is it supposed to be more o f an active process than that. Hmmm what a tangent!

Spin

As she got up her whole world was spinning out of focus, she was not sure if she was standing up or lying down or hanging upside down for that matter. All she cared about at that point was that she had still somehow managed to grip the thing tight and still had a death grip on it. She was hurtling thru at the speed of god knows what. Let it all work out dear lord she thought. All she cared about then was that if she could if only she could land on her two feet safe and sound she will never ask anything ever, from god ever again. She will not ask for any other divine manipulation or intervention for as long as she lived. This meant a lot to her and come to think of it for the whole of mankind. This is something that the world better be thankful for. But all that only when they knew about it; All that only when she could land on her two feet. She checked for the straps and she checked for her grip, she still had it in her hand. Good . She was surprisingly also able to think, which was also a good thing; Considering she did not have a whole lot of time it was now or never. With the last leap of faith as she had seen in the movies for as long as she remembered and also in the flying school where she was an apprentice for a few summers. She yanked on the rope that would tell her if her parachute was going to save her or not and ….

A letter to You

You are the one i want to be with. you are the one i want to call when i see something funny. when i read something beautiful. you are the one whose hand i want to squeeze when i need reassurance. you are my strength.

You are the one that i have found, when i didn't even know i was looking for. it was an idea that i fell in love with. you are the reality that is even more wonderful that the idea that it was.

You make me feel loved like no one else. You literally take the pain away from my heart and my back.

"I must have had a wicked childhood.

I must have had a miserable youth...

But somewhere in that wicked miserable past,

There must have been a moment of truth.

For there you are standing there loving me

Weather or not you should.

so somewhere in my youth or childhood

I must have done something good."

I say better than good.

You make my life, being who you are. May god bless you cos as long as you are there I am.

ps: I love you