Grumbled garbled gobbledegook

It has been a long time since I have had a chat with myself. I keep thinking about using this space to write about things that matter to me. Things that make me happy. things that make me mad. Things that keep me up and bright and things that suck the life out of me and leave me disappointed and limp.

Sometimes I am so defeated that in spite of my anger and outrage at something I do not feel up to carrying on a conversation about it. Those are the times I think about this outlet and this one way street where I can pour my heart out and let it rest. So here is my attempt at starting out with a cleaner slate for the next year and leave all the grudges behind. If only these things were sporadic enough to be shrugged off.

When NPR calls the San Bernardino shooting terrorism but every other shooting (North Carolina, Charleston, Planned Parenthood and what have you) anything but. Because the color of your skin and religion is more fearful than your actions. I was mad and felt betrayed, because I felt that NPR was this one beacon, this one voice of reason and rationale in this hyper polarized and highly divided world. This time I felt angry and let down.

When India celebrates the spirit of Chennai and people without standing up to lapses in judgement and making sure that if this situation arises we would be better prepared and the so called spirit will not be tested as throughly as it was this time.

When hindus in India who form the majority feel marginalized and want me to understand the reason behind why a lynch mob feels righteous about killing another human being. As to how people who have been suppressed for so long have finally found a voice. I no longer know what people we are talking about. I hope that they do not form the majority. But then why do the fringe elements get so much attention and voice that they are able to mobilize these many into such actions.

When Salman Khan gets a clean chit by the courts and I see people celebrating that decision. Calling him a wise man and applauding him for BEING HUMAN. Why was he not subjected to the same fate as Shiney Ahuja? Why was he not wiped clean from our collective conscience?  
Not worthy of being on a prime time slot pontificating.

When Trump is the leading GOP candidate...
When Carson is top three leading candidates and is a man of science supposedly...

When in the face of overwhelming numbers and data, a society fails to take action towards better gun control. But uses that as an excuse to limit the number of refugees it can accept.

When a developed leading world leader refuses to value child bearing and maternity leave even in the face of declining growth percentages. To not facilitate some kind of paid maternity leave on a federal level.

When we collectively refuse to look at a given evidence and hold on to our preconceived notions and prejudices. When thinking and rational beings refuse to use their grey matter then what can be expected from vitriolic rhetoric.

This is pretty much a laundry list of things that continued to bug me into writing a very disjointed and disgruntled post about it. This by no means exhaustive and complete.

Grief

Grief .... its such an absorbing, all consuming and almost too selfish an emotion. It numbs you from the outside world and its context completely, absolutely almost as nothing else can. No wonder sometimes the best or the worst comes out of a person at the moment of their grief.

At some point of time you have tolet it wash over you, overcome you before you can get hold of yourself. It is tough and it can be very demanding almost as demanding as a child. It takes up all of the avialable space just like any gas, expands and fills up all the nooks and cranies of your consciousness and else. Just as air you can almost not feel its presence.

I read somewhere that grief comes in waves. One that washes over you and then lets you be for a while soaking up the sun being dry and warm and feeling that the wet and cold feeling has passed until ... the next big wave and the cold wet splash. Wetting you through, chilling you all the very more to the bone. The goosebumps back on. The vulnerability, the shiver and the cold.

Ofcourse you can walk away from the shore and you do want to but then you also do want to see the sea and sand castles and the beach and all that it means for you and meant for you or could have or should have meant for you.

It may be something the only thing sometimes that makes you feel alive. The fact that you feel chilled and cold to the bone. The warmth that follows. The feeling that all is not a monotone, even if what you hear is not music atleast it is expression.

It is also safe to be sitting by the shore. You are at the receiving end of it, inactive in the way that leaves you open to feeling, just pure feeling. Something that day to day life does not let you be. You are just busy navigating one thing and another. Thinking through the alleys and the turns and the puddles.

Looking for Dumbledore

Is it possible to look for purpose? TO feel lost without it? TO expect great things from yourself even in the face of evidence to the contrary? Sometimes it becomes imperative to have that one person who believes in you so strongly that you begin to believe in yourself and can take on the world.
Why are most people in this world only here to cut you to size? Whatever size that may be. Isn't it the most dreadful thing? How are you supposed to take a leap when all you are trying for is get a toe in to stand on?
it is sad and unfortunate when we can not value nurture and help all the talent that we have around us. All this myth about survival of the fittest is always thrown in the face every time you bring up these things. But isnt it equally important for us as society to get ahead? Not just one fittest person at a time but as more than one each doing his or her thing and saving all that energy that we waste on being mean and cutting people to size on our own creative pursuits.

I have been lucky to have mummy and papa then didi and didya then jeejaji and ashu and ishan and bhumi and last but not the least Mehr. Each and every one of them have given me wings. Have shown me the way held me when I have needed that, nurtured me. I am what i am because of all their love and all the wonderful people who have been a part of my life. I know there are so many people who do not have what I do. But I also know how easy it is for things to get better. As I said it is just unfortunate that we have to make do with how things are because we are all scared to be helpful and nice. We are insecure about other people reaching ahead of us, going far, going places in the fear that they are taking our rightful place.

Just a little bit of love, a little bit of push in the right direction. Some one who cares. A mentor. Each one of us is a little harry potter looking for a Dumbledore in our lives. It only ends up being a life long quest for many.

Objective

Objective is the lens piece which is close to the object under study. Objective is also the aim or point of living a life objective above all is also a very wrong and boring word to get or chose especially if you are trying to get out of writer's block and trying out free writing. it is an even worse choice if you are at a point in life where there seems to be a lack of it in real life. It is as if you do exist and carry on being employed and and do things to carry on being that but there is no passion and no interest and there is also a lack of dive to do what you are currently doing. what makes the situation even less palpable is that you do not know what else you want and if there is anything that can help you find what you are missing in life. or for that matter may be this is you life and you are not missing anything. this is all the passion and reason and satisfaction you will even have in your life. now that is one sure rock bottom if ever there was one.