Well not necessarily and in most cases not at all, but talk to any daughter and her father dad, papa, appa, baba, holds a special place in her heart. It is one of the most wonderful things in life, this father daughter bond. I love my father; there is no other word for it.
Things have changed a great deal in all the years that we have shared together. I am going to be 30soon and in all of those three decades, life has been full. Full of love, laughter, tears, anger, desires, dreams, disappointments, achievements, disillusionments, affirmations.... basically "FULL" pretty much covers it brimming wouldn't be an over statement either.
Of my earliest memories, my father was a saviour of kinds, my knight in shining armour, someone who could make things right, make it happen, someone who was big and warm to cuddle up in a cold night.
And his hands could envelop my entire fist keeping it safe from anything and everything. That was my safe haven. In fact it was that for a very long time; much longer than for a lot of my friends.
I remember feeling safe being able to sleep when there was an imaginary monster behind the curtain or a very scary test or a difficult exam the next day or just about any anxiety that I could understand and also the ones that I couldn’t understand. His hand could smooth away anything that could remotely affect me worry me or harm me. It did not matter that he was not directly involved in any of those issues but the very fact that he was there and I was with him made it all seem not too bad and nothing that wasn’t work “outable”.
Even during my teens I fought more with my mother, all the rebellion was mostly aimed at her and not so much at him. He always got the best of me and I think vice versa as well.
Our moment of truth happened much later much much later when I was in my twenties; early twenties, when I moved out into the big bad world. For some reason that I do not remember, I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed with things around me. That was also the time when I was taking some of the most important decisions career wise. I could not see him or find him at the same page as me. It disconcerted me. For the first time I felt that we had to actively communicate, in order to be understood. He didn’t seem perfect. The chinks in the shiny armour were getting prominent. My eyes were waking up to a new knight- who was no longer someone who could make the world go around for me. My knight had very limited powers. My world had expanded beyond his influence. I had left the nest. I had flown and his cover was no longer effective and the safety net was no longer relevant at those heights. I found him wanting I found him limited in his knowledge, his resources, his solutions. He could no longer guide my battles. He was still there but not the way I used to see him. My daddy was human after all. It was a very tough thing to wake up to. I remember writing to him about how I didn’t love him the way I used to. How I had these unresolved feelings in my self that I just didn’t know how to deal with. And I also remember reading what he wrote back. He wrote back as to how I would get over this phase as well. How it was all about growing up and how it was basically about a change in perspective after all. When I was small he seemed big huge even and someone who had an answer or a solution for everything. But as I grew up things started looking different from where I stood. He didn’t seem as tall and big. My questions were getting more and more specific about the world my world was expanding and growing at an alarming speed too; the definitions of it; the boundaries of which were changing day to day.
I remember feeling relieved, that was one of the most liberating things that I think I learned about life then. Love was something that is usually not deserved. Love is something that is given inspite of not because of what you or someone is. My father did not have to be perfect for me to love him. He just needed to be my papa as he was with his own set of quirks and eccentricities and love and limitations and everything. He didn’t have to be perfect to be the best. And so does everything else in life. Since then I have had my share of disagreements about what he does, or believes in, or says but my love for him through it has been strong and unwavering and I think I can say the same for him too.
This freed me to love people and accept them as they were. I no longer had to get them to be another kind. In fact I did not even need to like them a lot all the time. It was perfectly normal and acceptable to dislike them at times and still love them. I think that is why love is such a freeing emotion. It is not dependent on the actions or the worth or the qualities of the loved but of that of the one who loves. Now I know as what I am today, that my dad is not perfect he has his imperfections which are lesser than most mere mortals but not completely absent but he is and will always be the best dad ever.
